I was 21 years old, working a full-time 8-5 desk job for an electrical company. Also being in school full-time, I gave myself no opportunity to think about life. At least that’s what I hoped for.
The grief I had over my brothers passing just 7 months before was settling in and I wanted nothing to do with it. I needed a distraction. I wanted to busy myself enough that I wouldn’t have time to feel my emotions.
I wanted to be strong. I wanted to move forward.
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During those first 7 months after he passed, I was in shock. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it is very apparent looking back. I thought my lack of emotion was a good thing. I thought it meant I was letting go of the past and embracing my future, just as my brother would have wanted.
But I was so wrong.
I didn’t want to deal with this. I didn’t want this to be the reality of my life. Why did he have to die?
I craved sleep because I thought it would erase the pain for a while… until my nightmares at night proved to be as bad as the nightmare I was living each day. I found no escape. I was literally living a nightmare. How in the world could I move past this? I would wake up in a panic at night, re-living that weekend and imagining all the different ways it could have gone. I also would dream that he was still alive. That he was home with the rest of my family and we were so happy. Then I would wake up from the dream and reality would set in. Oh how it hurt.
I tried moving past it by consuming my day with work and school, but it only made everything worse. Sure, I held up a strong front while around people. I held everything in as much as possible. But I ended up crying in the bathroom, crying on my way to work, crying on my way home from work, so disappointed in how weak I was and how I couldn’t let go and move forward. I would drive to an empty parking lot on my lunch break and cry, cry, cry. I didn’t realize how truly painful grief could feel. He was too young to die and I didn’t want to accept that I would never see my brother again.
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My brother died by suicide. He was 21 years old; it was only one week before his 22nd birthday. We were very close growing up because we were only 17 months apart in age. We went through each step of life together – elementary school, middle school, high school, college. I was close with all of my siblings because that’s how our parents raised us. We loved each other unconditionally, and we still do.
I feel as if my life started over when he passed away. I was told a great analogy by a grief counselor one day; she said, “when a loved one passes away, it consumes your entire life and everything you know about life. The grief will never go away and time will never actually heal the grief you have about someone so important to you. But as time passes, you meet new people, have new experiences, grow older, and the grief that once consumed your entire life now appears smaller because these new experiences have expanded your life beyond the area the grief affected. These new experiences don’t involve the same life that your grief consumed. So, your life continues to grow around you and the grief appears smaller, but that time will stick with you because you loved him. And that’s okay”.
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It has been three years since he passed away. Although I can’t comprehend how that much time has passed. How is that even possible, when it still often feels like less than a year? The most it ever feels like is a couple years.
It’s so crazy how our entire lives can change in a single instant. One second, everything you know could be lost. Please look around at all the people and blessings in your life and appreciate them with all your heart. I know it’s hard to do. It’s still one of the most difficult things for me to do, even though I’m preaching that it should be done. Don’t push away the people you currently have because you miss the people you no longer have.
We all endure difficult trials in our lives and I hope that sharing part of my story encourages you to keep moving forward despite the challenges you face. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to loved ones or a therapist if you need a listening ear. And please, if you struggle with thoughts of suicide, don’t take it lightly. Don’t push those thoughts away without dealing with them properly. There is no shame in seeing a therapist and you have so much to gain in learning to love yourself more and learning to value your life more, knowing that you have so much hope and potential for your future.
If you need help fighting against suicidal thoughts, you can call the suicide hotline at any time. They are open 24/7.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255
If you made it this far, thank you. Thank you for supporting me on my journey as I figure out my place in this crazy world we live in. I am so incredibly blessed. In spite of the trials I’ve been through in my life, I can’t even count how many amazing blessings I have to be thankful for. God is good. Even when I feel like He has abandoned me, He hasn’t. And the same goes for you! Rely on Him heavily and give Him your burdens.
I pray for peace and comfort for everyone reading this. If you have lost a loved one, please know that you are not alone. Although we all have different experiences and stories, we’re all in this together.
Sincerely,
Christine
One last note: The largest reason I struggle telling people about his death is because suicide is such a taboo topic and people don’t understand it unless they’ve experienced it on such a personal level. Please show sympathy towards those who have lost loved ones to suicide. We don’t want to be told that what our loved one did was selfish. You never know the full story and it’s best to be supportive without offering your personal opinion. My brother suffered a great deal before his death, which is something I do not have the heart to explain publicly right now. Also, it hurts when I’m asked how he passed away, so I shy away from even mentioning his death because most people immediately ask, “how did he die?”. If someone tells you that a loved one passed away, please hold back the urge to ask how it happened. I know I’m not the only person who is deeply hurt by this question because it can come off as very insensitive. If they want you to know the details then they will tell you. But don’t force them to. Just listen to them and tell them you’re there for them.
